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This is a difficult and sometimes painful question for almost all parents at times.

Here’s what we at Read2Grow’s Nollamara childcare centre have learned through many years’ experience, coupled with what developmental science says on this subject.

Young children often do prefer one parent to another

Studies have shown this is very common. It may be a child running to one parent rather than the other if they are afraid or hurt. It might be always asking one parent to do things like help put a shoe on, tell a bedtime story or to dry a runny nose. In a million subtle and not-so-subtle ways, preschool age children will typically show a preference in terms of who they turn to.

In very young babies and toddlers, this is often presumed to arise from frequency of contact and availability.

A child who needs help with a runny nose, is unlikely to be able to get much help if they keep waiting for help from a parent who isn’t there rather than one who is. This is linked to survival, comfort and security instincts. It may predispose some children to prefer the parent who they see most of and who is therefore likely to be a better bet for safety and comfort. The child may be entirely subconsciously predisposed to ‘prefer’ that parent and to build their primary relationship with them.

All is rarely so simple

Children though, refuse to be so easily explained!

For example, where a younger child and toddler is breast-fed, it is typically the mother who is the person most regularly associated with food, comfort and security. Yet as many mothers have observed, their baby or toddler may paradoxically be much more even-tempered, malleable and sociable, with their partner even though they may be there less frequently.

The reasons for this are not clear and are probably highly complex and idiosyncratic.

Novelty and indulgence

From a very early age, babies and toddlers can intuitively sense when someone is showing them greater leeway and responding more indulgently and attentively to their behaviours.

This is often most clearly, if infuriatingly for some parents, seen when one parent is engaged in full-time child care whilst the other works. Many parents who have spent all day long dealing with their young child, inevitably become tired and may be less manipulatable than the other parent who arrives home from work full of indulgences for the child and ready to give them lots of attention.

This syndrome can often lead to wry lamentations from the stay-at-home parent about suddenly being treated by their child as ‘surplus to requirements’ once the other parent arrives home!

Issues can arise but this is rarely a problem

Experts point out that this set of factors is almost always something to smile about and accept as being part of the human condition. It can’t be stressed strongly enough that this is perfectly normal.

Furthermore, a child seemingly preferring one parent does not necessarily mean they hold either one in greater or lesser affection overall. Some factors to prove this include:

• children’s preferences may shift over time and frequently, as the child’s background situation changes and their objectives and tactics need to evolve to match them (e.g. the ‘easier touch’ parent syndrome!);
• some parents are preferred for some things but not others. So, children might suddenly decide they prefer Dad if they’re looking for a chaotic run around and rough-and-tumble play but Mum if they want a story and cuddle before bedtime (or vice-versa).

In some, very rare cases, children can for no obvious reason genuinely seem to obsessively prefer one parent to another. Where this arises and is inexplicable in everyday terms, a consultation with your doctor may be advisable.

Much more common is a parent concluding, irrationally, that their child doesn’t like them and that in turn can lead to depression. This is often a factor of the parent’s mindset rather than the child’s behaviours and again, a chat with a doctor is usually advisable.

If you’d like to know more about our Nollamara childcare centre, why not call us for a time/date to pop along for a look around? We promise you a warm welcome!